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.This is true not just of our relationships with our loved ones but also of our relationships inpsychotherapy.For a long time, therapists lived under the illusion that somehow the patient couldbe in a relationship with the therapist without the therapist being in a relationship with thepatient.That has largely changed, and most modern schools of therapy do not adopt a surgicalmodel where therapists operate dispassionately on suffering patients60.There remains a seductivelure, though, that somehow we have some technique which will cure people or at least help themrealize themselves.Then we get attached to our ideology,61 set up our own standards of healthand sickness, and get lost.We all constantly set up our own standards.We discriminate and make judgments.We say toourselves, that person was nice to me/mean to me or I m not attracted to him because he sfat/she s thin. Therapists are not immune from this, but we clothe our standards in an air oftechnical virtuosity.We say That patient is a good candidate for insight psychotherapy or Thatpatient is borderline. We say I enjoy working with that patient, but I dread seeing that otherone according to our standards of who fits our treatment model or who we find interpersonallyappealing.Do we have the courage to let each patient teach us how to do psychotherapy anew? Thechallenge for us as therapists is to find a way to genuinely enjoy meeting each patient who comes,to allow ourselves to learn, teach, touch and be touched in each intimate encounter whatever itoffers, moment by moment.When we allow ourselves to let each client teach us how to dopsychotherapy anew, though, how do we maintain the necessary boundaries required to keep anedge to the relationship? How do we avoid falling into haphazard anything goes therapies, andrespect the knowledge we have of what is necessary to be helpful?This is the same question we must ask ourselves in any relationship: how can I surrendercompletely to the relationship without setting up my own standards, while still staying true to myself ? Unsure about such matters, at times we may not see which way to turn.We may not knowhow to respond to our loved one or even to our own needs.We may not know what to say to ourparent, child, or lover.We may not know how to intervene with our client.Even when we are confused, though, there is a true ground to being which underlies theneeds of each moment.We lose sight of this ground if we try to control it too much; we trip overour own feet.We have to get out of the way in order to find the way; we have to drop ourexpectations and personal desires to let the need of the moment make itself known.When I letgo of my personal concerns, I am more able to engage in whatever I m doing with you, thismoment, with every fabric of my being.When we let go of our own narrow standards and openourselves up, something clarifies itself.Then whatever is necessary to do to meet the relationshipin that moment emerges in spontaneous activity. I was working with a couple I liked very much.They were intelligent,articulate, caring people who kept getting into the same basic argument whichkept their relationship from becoming fully committed and satisfying.We had worked together for a number of sessions and apparently made noprogress.Over the course of the therapy I had tried most everything I knew:behavioral practice tasks, psychodynamic interpretations, strategic interventions,solution-focused inquiries, relative influence questioning, and so forth.Nothinghad budged the couple, and we appeared to just be repeating the same old stuffover and over.I had exhausted all my ideas, and in the middle of the session I confessed Iwas stumped and asked if they minded if I consulted with a colleague.They gavetheir permission and I excused myself and walked around the corner to a friendand highly valued colleague, an expert in working with couples
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